I may be 21 but I still love with my parents, enjoy Disney and ask for advice on any mathematical questions. In fact, I probably have more in common with my 8 year old sister than I do some of my ever so mature friends. A lot of people my age are getting married having babies and even getting mortgages and I'm still over here laughing when someone farts! I often worry that maybe I've not developed (despite the Double F cup bra) or matured at a normal rate! Yes I have grown up things like a degree, long term boyfriend and a tesco club card but the reality is grown up life scares me! When I look at people my age with little terrors at their feet I admire their courage. How do they know what to do with this small human? It doesn't feel very long ago that I was one myself! How do they answer the fascinating questions asked by kids and and teach them the ways of life when I still feel like I'm learning myself? Like I say I admire people who have settled and done the grown up thing - even if it isn't for me! I mean I'd be jealous of my own child's Disney toys for goodness sake! But when does that turning point appear in life when you no longer feel like a gigantic child? I've lived away from home and although I know how to do grown up things in my head not much has changed since I was 15 years old - bar my eyeliner choice and a few haircuts. I know a lot of my friends still feel this way too and I wonder if we missed the adult train that you're supposed to jump on board at 18! I'm not a big baby I've been through my fair share of S**t and am a much stronger and more determined person from it but I don't want to save for a mortgage... I want handbags, I don't want a baby... I want parties and I don't want to become an adult because if truth be told I really like the fact that someone burping the alphabet is an achievement in my books! I still long to be minnie mouse, to have cuddles from my Mum and eat fun shaped spaghetti without being looked at like a complete loon! But, I am starting to learn that maybe I'm never going to feel like an adult and just have to accept that I am one.
Sometimes I look at these people all content in their very grown up lives and think is that it? It is this fear that haunts me, finding that lifelong commitment e.g. babies, mortgages and marriages so young in my life seems like a death sentence. I struggle to commit to a bloody hair colour let alone a house! I want to see new things learn from people and have many more party's before I start doing the grown up thing. Of course I don't mean still live with my mum forever, I realise that I may have outgrown my old room and surroundings but I just feel too afraid and too young to be a proper adult! Like I say I am impressed by those who feel that can settle and have that lifestyle, it would be easier if I felt that twang to do so, but I don't. I just wish I was god damn Peter Pan!
Maybe I'll save growing up until I'm 30?! That seems sensible!
Labels: adult, chat, fear, life, lifestyle